Life moved on..

All the wise men and women
Sympathized with her,
Consoled her,
Suggested her - to be strong -
And to move on
Leaving all that was bad -
behind,
Far behind.
Now she was strong enough
to let go the things
that once bound her to suffocation
and breathlessness - him!


Life moved on..
She did not even bother
to see his rotten body
that remained hanging for days.

Life moved on...

DEAD-LOCK

Of late, very often,
Yesterday too -
She told me -
I am mad.
And she cannot live with me.
Not anymore.
Not with me - mad.

I feel -
I told her -
I cannot live without you.
Never.
Not without you.
I am really mad.

Now and Then.

Go to a grade 1 primary school student and ask – how much is two times two? The answer is thoughtless and instantaneous - Four. Similarly I often question myself these days – what is fuck times fuck?
The answer is again thoughtless, immediate and eternal – my own life.
Nostalgia – you named your blog. What is that it has in it? It smells of piss. Now that she pisses in an assholes shit pot. She is really fucked up- literally. What about me? I am coming to that.

You stand on the seventh floor of your office, looking at the beautiful, picturesque Kerala – the sea bordering at one side and the mountain covering the other. It does not enchant you, not anymore. Only one thought reverberates – you are a prisoner with no release date. You are trapped. You have no escape from this heaven. You cannot go back to the hell – where normal and mean people live.

Nostalgia – a great life, young naïve dreams, success, joy - then.

Now – suffocation, hollowness, skipped lunches – dinners, lonely, nowhere, mechanical, computerized, drunk, pissed, shaken, dreamless, aimless, shapeless, non- existent, undefined, trivial – so called Software Engineer – damn you! Fuck you!

Beautiful moments can neither be recreated nor relived. No matter how hard you try. But still -Will ever now and then interchange?

Rushes.

tere vaade par jiye ham to ye jaan jhuuTh jaanaa 

ke Khushii se mar na jaate agar aitabaar hotaa

kahuuN kis se main ke kyaa hai shabeGam burii balaa hai 

mujhe kyaa buraa thaa maranaa agar ek baar hotaa 

                                                                     - Ghalib

Trivial Things - A diary entry

Part 1.
It's a saturday. I am alone. I just came out of the bathroom (morning ablutions) and the bucket inside, is dark blue in color.

The tap is silver in color.There are three brands of shampoo - Ayur, Clinic All Clear (for men),Clinic plus.I am okay with any of these.

My room is dirty.So is the entire house.Things once kept inside never moves from it's place.

The pepsi - coke cans, bottles are lying still - forever - wherever it was kept, once.There is a lot of polyethylene bags - with food rotting inside - ever since it was dumped inside ( with the intention that it will be put to trash can located outside the premise). I am supposed to pay my credit card bill, but I don't feel like going outside.I had slept 5 a.m in the morning and woke up at 9.12 a.m (in the morning, because of a trivial phone call). My life is mechanical. So is yours (even if you deny).Even fucking is a very mechanical job. I am not enjoying my work.I am expecting in drastic change in my life.I am hopeful and optimistic.Otherwise, I am pessimistic.

The bedsheet is green in color.I have bought Maggi( Masala) for my lunch.I ate my breakfast - idlis - at Ananthapuri Veg. There is a TV in the hall, but no cable connection. There is a fridge - no food inside.Neither any drink. There was a fully automatic washing machine.It's a rainy day in Trivandrum. Most of the days - it rains. Place is just too green and awesome. Still it haunts me - now.Generally I write and then I rewrite. But today I am just writing.

I am midway through a movie - Atonement. The two movies I saw were German. Both WW2 movies - Gloomy Sunday , Das Boot - with English subtitles. Google launched a new browser - Chrome. I am using that.

Part 2.

Its 4.30 pm now.Eventually I paid my credit card bill. Maggi was my lunch - with a little cheese and butter. I have finished watching the movie (Atonement) -it was a great love story ( back drop was WW2 again!). Now there are two things in my mind - a movie( in theatre) and another one that I want to enqueue on my download list.

It's 10.40 pm. I have watched another movie - A wednesday! Another movie is is enqueued - Betty Blue -a french film.Vodka - cheap vodka - is finally doing the trick. Goodnight!!

The trivial things in life - a trivial life.

Bitch: Dogs will be Dogs

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
Once I had seen a bitch,
When I was a little boy,
I had seen her grow,
And today when I am old,
I see bitches – infinite,
very similar to ‘Monika’ - the bitch.
A bunch of dogs would follow her,
woo her and I could see the sense of victory,
in the shine of her eyes.
And hunger in the belly of lusty dogs!
A lucky dog would probably mate her, this season
And the rest will still be following,
for a chance in the next mating season.
Dogs - they too are bastards
If at all ‘Monika’ is a whore!
Monika - the stray bitch -
Now she has faded. I don't remember her.

Bitches - again, now and today -
All breeds, hybrids.
Sophisticated, arrogant, confident,
Cell –phoned, perfumed and proud -
They still know that dogs would follow
And that they, they still are bastards.
One bitch and a bunch of dogs,
wagging their tails behind her.
The code is in their genes now.

Coffee Day - A lot can happen over coffee.

Sunday - You are unusually lonely. Also you realize that you are too alone. Somewhere in the back of your mind, lines by Gulzar (in Marasim) are seeping through.

Ek purana mausam lauta, yaad bhari purvayee bhi!
Aisa to kam hi hota hai, woh bhi ho tanhayee bhi!!

Saturday night you tried sleeping but till Sunday morning you could not. Finally when you wake up in the Noon, you find your head too heavy and yourself too cynic. You don’t like a thing about this world. You hate everything, everyone.

Now you try a couple of phone calls to find a way to escape this morose and grim picture that is evidently bothering you. Nothing helps really - his voice, her voice. Things are boring. Things are too fucked up. The world is fuckin’ mad. You really don’t know what to do. Disprin might help but you decide against it. Long back and then quite often someone tells you that you are addicted to it. So you won't dissolve that pill into you again.

It’s seven in the evening. It’s dark now. You have not switched any light as you don’t want to see anything bright today. But you need to make a move. You very well know that these days you are not having your dinner properly. You then gather all your energy and think of a place which can bring you to peace. You don't know what lies ahead. You don’t know your destination, His conspiracy and your fate. Somewhere you are missing something – may be her, now that she is an integral part of your life.

Coffee Day – A lot can happen over coffee. You just land there for a hunt – to please yourself with your favorite beverage, its smell and the ambience of the place. You don’t know even before you have stepped in – your heart is pounding so hard. Why? You really don't know.

As and when you enter, you see this lovely lassie, absolute beauty - pretty much known to you. Dressed in a casual jeans and T-shirt, she looks awesome. You have seen her often and just before coming to this place - deep down inside you - you probably believed that you would see her. Yes!!! The universe was conspiring. Then and there - there is a sudden mood swing.

Yaad nahin kya kya dekha tha, saare manjar bhool gaye!
Uski galiyon se jab laute, apna bhi ghar bhool gaye!! - Saher (Nazeer)

You find a place for yourself – comfortable couch. You order a hot Mocha for yourself. She on the other hand is holding a cold variant – Frappe, I believe.

You sip through your drink and would occasionally steal a glimpse of her. And occasionally the eyes would meet. There is not much of a resistance as is evident from her expressive, dark eyes. You don't want to miss a thing. But, you are done - your coffee mug is empty. So are you. You order another coffee – black coffee aka Caffeine kick. The next moment you are drunk.

You sense the kicks. The goblet of her eyes won’t let you move. You are stuck and you are still. In ten minutes time she stood up and moved towards you. “Hi! Do you live near by? “, She questioned. “Not really. But I love coffee. I love watching people around sometimes”, you answer. A formal conversation of a minute follows and then she fades away into the darkness – leaving behind her aroma. You are nailed. You are crucified. A discrete moment of eternal joy is what you have to cherish about the next day and everyday from then on.

PS: She was not alone.