Life moved on..

All the wise men and women
Sympathized with her,
Consoled her,
Suggested her - to be strong -
And to move on
Leaving all that was bad -
behind,
Far behind.
Now she was strong enough
to let go the things
that once bound her to suffocation
and breathlessness - him!


Life moved on..
She did not even bother
to see his rotten body
that remained hanging for days.

Life moved on...

DEAD-LOCK

Of late, very often,
Yesterday too -
She told me -
I am mad.
And she cannot live with me.
Not anymore.
Not with me - mad.

I feel -
I told her -
I cannot live without you.
Never.
Not without you.
I am really mad.

Now and Then.

Go to a grade 1 primary school student and ask – how much is two times two? The answer is thoughtless and instantaneous - Four. Similarly I often question myself these days – what is fuck times fuck?
The answer is again thoughtless, immediate and eternal – my own life.
Nostalgia – you named your blog. What is that it has in it? It smells of piss. Now that she pisses in an assholes shit pot. She is really fucked up- literally. What about me? I am coming to that.

You stand on the seventh floor of your office, looking at the beautiful, picturesque Kerala – the sea bordering at one side and the mountain covering the other. It does not enchant you, not anymore. Only one thought reverberates – you are a prisoner with no release date. You are trapped. You have no escape from this heaven. You cannot go back to the hell – where normal and mean people live.

Nostalgia – a great life, young naïve dreams, success, joy - then.

Now – suffocation, hollowness, skipped lunches – dinners, lonely, nowhere, mechanical, computerized, drunk, pissed, shaken, dreamless, aimless, shapeless, non- existent, undefined, trivial – so called Software Engineer – damn you! Fuck you!

Beautiful moments can neither be recreated nor relived. No matter how hard you try. But still -Will ever now and then interchange?

Rushes.

tere vaade par jiye ham to ye jaan jhuuTh jaanaa 

ke Khushii se mar na jaate agar aitabaar hotaa

kahuuN kis se main ke kyaa hai shabeGam burii balaa hai 

mujhe kyaa buraa thaa maranaa agar ek baar hotaa 

                                                                     - Ghalib

Trivial Things - A diary entry

Part 1.
It's a saturday. I am alone. I just came out of the bathroom (morning ablutions) and the bucket inside, is dark blue in color.

The tap is silver in color.There are three brands of shampoo - Ayur, Clinic All Clear (for men),Clinic plus.I am okay with any of these.

My room is dirty.So is the entire house.Things once kept inside never moves from it's place.

The pepsi - coke cans, bottles are lying still - forever - wherever it was kept, once.There is a lot of polyethylene bags - with food rotting inside - ever since it was dumped inside ( with the intention that it will be put to trash can located outside the premise). I am supposed to pay my credit card bill, but I don't feel like going outside.I had slept 5 a.m in the morning and woke up at 9.12 a.m (in the morning, because of a trivial phone call). My life is mechanical. So is yours (even if you deny).Even fucking is a very mechanical job. I am not enjoying my work.I am expecting in drastic change in my life.I am hopeful and optimistic.Otherwise, I am pessimistic.

The bedsheet is green in color.I have bought Maggi( Masala) for my lunch.I ate my breakfast - idlis - at Ananthapuri Veg. There is a TV in the hall, but no cable connection. There is a fridge - no food inside.Neither any drink. There was a fully automatic washing machine.It's a rainy day in Trivandrum. Most of the days - it rains. Place is just too green and awesome. Still it haunts me - now.Generally I write and then I rewrite. But today I am just writing.

I am midway through a movie - Atonement. The two movies I saw were German. Both WW2 movies - Gloomy Sunday , Das Boot - with English subtitles. Google launched a new browser - Chrome. I am using that.

Part 2.

Its 4.30 pm now.Eventually I paid my credit card bill. Maggi was my lunch - with a little cheese and butter. I have finished watching the movie (Atonement) -it was a great love story ( back drop was WW2 again!). Now there are two things in my mind - a movie( in theatre) and another one that I want to enqueue on my download list.

It's 10.40 pm. I have watched another movie - A wednesday! Another movie is is enqueued - Betty Blue -a french film.Vodka - cheap vodka - is finally doing the trick. Goodnight!!

The trivial things in life - a trivial life.

Bitch: Dogs will be Dogs

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
Once I had seen a bitch,
When I was a little boy,
I had seen her grow,
And today when I am old,
I see bitches – infinite,
very similar to ‘Monika’ - the bitch.
A bunch of dogs would follow her,
woo her and I could see the sense of victory,
in the shine of her eyes.
And hunger in the belly of lusty dogs!
A lucky dog would probably mate her, this season
And the rest will still be following,
for a chance in the next mating season.
Dogs - they too are bastards
If at all ‘Monika’ is a whore!
Monika - the stray bitch -
Now she has faded. I don't remember her.

Bitches - again, now and today -
All breeds, hybrids.
Sophisticated, arrogant, confident,
Cell –phoned, perfumed and proud -
They still know that dogs would follow
And that they, they still are bastards.
One bitch and a bunch of dogs,
wagging their tails behind her.
The code is in their genes now.

Coffee Day - A lot can happen over coffee.

Sunday - You are unusually lonely. Also you realize that you are too alone. Somewhere in the back of your mind, lines by Gulzar (in Marasim) are seeping through.

Ek purana mausam lauta, yaad bhari purvayee bhi!
Aisa to kam hi hota hai, woh bhi ho tanhayee bhi!!

Saturday night you tried sleeping but till Sunday morning you could not. Finally when you wake up in the Noon, you find your head too heavy and yourself too cynic. You don’t like a thing about this world. You hate everything, everyone.

Now you try a couple of phone calls to find a way to escape this morose and grim picture that is evidently bothering you. Nothing helps really - his voice, her voice. Things are boring. Things are too fucked up. The world is fuckin’ mad. You really don’t know what to do. Disprin might help but you decide against it. Long back and then quite often someone tells you that you are addicted to it. So you won't dissolve that pill into you again.

It’s seven in the evening. It’s dark now. You have not switched any light as you don’t want to see anything bright today. But you need to make a move. You very well know that these days you are not having your dinner properly. You then gather all your energy and think of a place which can bring you to peace. You don't know what lies ahead. You don’t know your destination, His conspiracy and your fate. Somewhere you are missing something – may be her, now that she is an integral part of your life.

Coffee Day – A lot can happen over coffee. You just land there for a hunt – to please yourself with your favorite beverage, its smell and the ambience of the place. You don’t know even before you have stepped in – your heart is pounding so hard. Why? You really don't know.

As and when you enter, you see this lovely lassie, absolute beauty - pretty much known to you. Dressed in a casual jeans and T-shirt, she looks awesome. You have seen her often and just before coming to this place - deep down inside you - you probably believed that you would see her. Yes!!! The universe was conspiring. Then and there - there is a sudden mood swing.

Yaad nahin kya kya dekha tha, saare manjar bhool gaye!
Uski galiyon se jab laute, apna bhi ghar bhool gaye!! - Saher (Nazeer)

You find a place for yourself – comfortable couch. You order a hot Mocha for yourself. She on the other hand is holding a cold variant – Frappe, I believe.

You sip through your drink and would occasionally steal a glimpse of her. And occasionally the eyes would meet. There is not much of a resistance as is evident from her expressive, dark eyes. You don't want to miss a thing. But, you are done - your coffee mug is empty. So are you. You order another coffee – black coffee aka Caffeine kick. The next moment you are drunk.

You sense the kicks. The goblet of her eyes won’t let you move. You are stuck and you are still. In ten minutes time she stood up and moved towards you. “Hi! Do you live near by? “, She questioned. “Not really. But I love coffee. I love watching people around sometimes”, you answer. A formal conversation of a minute follows and then she fades away into the darkness – leaving behind her aroma. You are nailed. You are crucified. A discrete moment of eternal joy is what you have to cherish about the next day and everyday from then on.

PS: She was not alone.

Where will you sit?

Good Morning. The office is calling you. Unwillingly you wake up, lazily get ready. It’s just the monetary compensation that they give you for this agony of abruptly ending your morning dreams, makes your ass move.

If you don’t have a vehicle of your own it obviously makes you feel crippled. Every morning, sharp at 8 the light pink 52 seat “Kuttoor Travel” company’s transport bus arrives.

The moment you board the bus, your mind gets torn, ripped apart, bifurcated into two simultaneous activities – get a glimpse of all the lovely faces and their innovative attires, find a seat for yourself. In a way both the activities are so interrelated. What follows next is an ultra slow divulgence of an ultra fast decision: where will you sit?

It’s that time of the year wherein the newly recruited ill shaped and some not so ill shaped females and their male counterparts are seen everywhere. Around seven months back you were a fresher and with newer faces joining in, you quite feel out of place. You see them talking, chatting, giggling, singing, whispering and every little activity that indulge you somehow, drag you into it, connect to them.

“Oh! The entire bus is full.” You talk to yourself. With very few seats available (around 10) and the commuters pushing you from behind, you have to be lightening fast.

You take a deep breath. Here you go.

“No, No, No! Not beside that big fat aunty!!! A male company – bad, bad idea!! You start ruling out the possible co- traveler for a journey of just 20 minutes.

Suddenly your eyes get stuck on to this gorgeous young lady.” I have not seen her before. Is she new to the company or new to this bus? She must be a fresher!” The seat beside her is unoccupied. You get an illusion, the next moment, as you shakily move towards that seat, she smiled at you. It seems you have won the entire universe. But wait!! The guy from behind you moves across and sits beside her. Bastard!! That smile was for him. The six pack guy. At this moment, you probably start cursing your in grown toe nail and soreness which forced you to wear a ‘floater ‘and you feel pathetic and under confident.

Then you don’t bother to find a seat beside any of those glamorous and vibrant companions. Even before the first bus- engine ever came into existence, seat mates and the resulting soul mates were fixed. Unfortunately you were not a part of the story. Half the bus is crossed and options are now quartered.

You take a fancy again. And once again you found your tentative source of morning glory. You have been seeing her since the first day you had boarded this bus. She sits in the same seat, fourth from the last. In black today, she looks absolutely hot!!! But you have never spoken to her, except for a few forcible corporate smiles. Today may be the jinx will break. You almost reach her. Your heart skips a beat, then two. And you take a step more than you should have. What came to you is the aroma of her shampoo. There is no second chance, no looking back – Loser!!!

“Was that the sudden break, laws of inertia, pseudo force, conservative background, foreground, all boys’ School environment? What?? “There is a never ending conversation between you and you.

The next moment you find yourself adjusting between two different thundering male thighs on the last seat of the bus, gasping for breath.”Hey man, how are you doing this morning”? The person towards your left enquires. You feel choked and suffocated about this daily tragedy. Welcome to the office.

Ho Gayi Hai - Dushyant Kumar

Wah Wah Mah Mah

India - a great country.

When we talk about this great country, we talk about its great culture. We have every reason to cite examples about its diversities and yes unity. Of the infinite dimensions I have chosen an interesting topic that was ringing bells (Oh sorry! gongs) in my head for so long.

The ultra modern English speaking crowd, the generation X++, hyper energetic set of young brigade. Every year these days, I feel, is like a generation. A person, a year younger to you is a person a generation ahead. Confusing!!???Really is!!!

Of the two genders, the females I believe are more vulnerable and susceptible not only to social threats but to the changing trends and lifestyles, food, fashion and languages.

I belonged to the era of Yahoo messenger and chat rooms (nostalgic).Then generation changed in a year or two. Social networking sites came. And eventually came the era of Orkut, Facebook and Myspace. Oh gosh! I believe I am left behind.

I was going through the profile of this girl in one such site. Everywhere she had used a word ‘mah’ to describe something in her profile. I was quite taken aback. ‘Mah’… ‘Mah’ … ‘Mah’… was echoing through my brain [akin to Aunty (Pause), Aunty (Pause), Aunty from an Indian hair dye Ad)]. My small brain and relatively old brain (generation X--) pondered and travelled all the distances to infinity to find the deep secret behind this ‘mah’.

She was actually from Maharashtra. So, at first, I thought the love for the state influences her a lot. And hence that perpetual feeling brought in the existence of ‘mah’.

Then the second milestone came. I held myself. Voilà!! I thought I solved the mystery. Good God! It’s the battery backup. mAh Milliamp Hour , the capacity of a battery to hold power.Mine is a 950mAh battery. A really good one!! Great backup!! But in her context, sounds rather stupid and absurd. Probably everyone has a Nokia these days. Why the hell I am failing.

There may be other trivial and redundant angles. Like boy friend’s name = ‘Mah’esh. My research and analysis out of this overwhelming curiosity made me discover Oxford Advanced Learner’s dictionary has just four words starting ‘Mah’.

Why do we complicate things when the solutions are pretty simple? All you need is a little common sense. Well simple ‘mah’ is just another word for ‘Maa’ meaning mother in Hindi.

Latest song “Maa” by Prasoon Joshi in the movie Taare Zameen Par is so touching that it wets your eyes. The love for mother is so true and so obvious. Beautiful girl, beautiful thought.

Days passed. One day I meet this Gen X++ guy who happened to be my junior; He invited me to join his network on Facebook. By now you must have guessed what happens next.The whole idea is that world has changed and so is India.

‘Mah’ actually means my. Sometimes ‘Ma’ can also be used synonymously. It is not to be confused with mother.

‘Z’ can be used and is extensively used for ‘is’.

‘Da’ = ‘the’.

‘Dose’= ‘those’ [;)]

‘Skul’= ‘School’ [not to be confused with skull].

‘Daz’= ‘days’.

‘Gal’,’gurl’’,grl’,’gul’,’grl’= ‘girl’

So on and on…..

So my friends you see English usage is so flexible these days. I am not trying to be sarcastic as long as things are accepted well in our moderate country. Neither I am trying to dig deep and know if it is the sms’es or hetero-culture inheritance that brought in this revolution.

Now to end I have a puzzle for you. Read the above paragraphs carefully and answer:

1. What is ‘malai’?
2. What is ‘fcook’?

If you could answer you definitely belong to the Gen X++ hip crowd.

For the ones who could not answer.

‘Malai’ means my life. [’mah’+ ‘life’]

‘Fcook’ mean fuck. [Fuck=fcuk= fcook].

Am I too ‘fcooked’, to write all this and waste my time and yours. One thing that is sure is we are either ‘culprits of our own design’ or we are liberated. We have no bounds now.

Mera Bhaarat ‘Mah’an.