Where will you sit?

Good Morning. The office is calling you. Unwillingly you wake up, lazily get ready. It’s just the monetary compensation that they give you for this agony of abruptly ending your morning dreams, makes your ass move.

If you don’t have a vehicle of your own it obviously makes you feel crippled. Every morning, sharp at 8 the light pink 52 seat “Kuttoor Travel” company’s transport bus arrives.

The moment you board the bus, your mind gets torn, ripped apart, bifurcated into two simultaneous activities – get a glimpse of all the lovely faces and their innovative attires, find a seat for yourself. In a way both the activities are so interrelated. What follows next is an ultra slow divulgence of an ultra fast decision: where will you sit?

It’s that time of the year wherein the newly recruited ill shaped and some not so ill shaped females and their male counterparts are seen everywhere. Around seven months back you were a fresher and with newer faces joining in, you quite feel out of place. You see them talking, chatting, giggling, singing, whispering and every little activity that indulge you somehow, drag you into it, connect to them.

“Oh! The entire bus is full.” You talk to yourself. With very few seats available (around 10) and the commuters pushing you from behind, you have to be lightening fast.

You take a deep breath. Here you go.

“No, No, No! Not beside that big fat aunty!!! A male company – bad, bad idea!! You start ruling out the possible co- traveler for a journey of just 20 minutes.

Suddenly your eyes get stuck on to this gorgeous young lady.” I have not seen her before. Is she new to the company or new to this bus? She must be a fresher!” The seat beside her is unoccupied. You get an illusion, the next moment, as you shakily move towards that seat, she smiled at you. It seems you have won the entire universe. But wait!! The guy from behind you moves across and sits beside her. Bastard!! That smile was for him. The six pack guy. At this moment, you probably start cursing your in grown toe nail and soreness which forced you to wear a ‘floater ‘and you feel pathetic and under confident.

Then you don’t bother to find a seat beside any of those glamorous and vibrant companions. Even before the first bus- engine ever came into existence, seat mates and the resulting soul mates were fixed. Unfortunately you were not a part of the story. Half the bus is crossed and options are now quartered.

You take a fancy again. And once again you found your tentative source of morning glory. You have been seeing her since the first day you had boarded this bus. She sits in the same seat, fourth from the last. In black today, she looks absolutely hot!!! But you have never spoken to her, except for a few forcible corporate smiles. Today may be the jinx will break. You almost reach her. Your heart skips a beat, then two. And you take a step more than you should have. What came to you is the aroma of her shampoo. There is no second chance, no looking back – Loser!!!

“Was that the sudden break, laws of inertia, pseudo force, conservative background, foreground, all boys’ School environment? What?? “There is a never ending conversation between you and you.

The next moment you find yourself adjusting between two different thundering male thighs on the last seat of the bus, gasping for breath.”Hey man, how are you doing this morning”? The person towards your left enquires. You feel choked and suffocated about this daily tragedy. Welcome to the office.

Ho Gayi Hai - Dushyant Kumar

Wah Wah Mah Mah

India - a great country.

When we talk about this great country, we talk about its great culture. We have every reason to cite examples about its diversities and yes unity. Of the infinite dimensions I have chosen an interesting topic that was ringing bells (Oh sorry! gongs) in my head for so long.

The ultra modern English speaking crowd, the generation X++, hyper energetic set of young brigade. Every year these days, I feel, is like a generation. A person, a year younger to you is a person a generation ahead. Confusing!!???Really is!!!

Of the two genders, the females I believe are more vulnerable and susceptible not only to social threats but to the changing trends and lifestyles, food, fashion and languages.

I belonged to the era of Yahoo messenger and chat rooms (nostalgic).Then generation changed in a year or two. Social networking sites came. And eventually came the era of Orkut, Facebook and Myspace. Oh gosh! I believe I am left behind.

I was going through the profile of this girl in one such site. Everywhere she had used a word ‘mah’ to describe something in her profile. I was quite taken aback. ‘Mah’… ‘Mah’ … ‘Mah’… was echoing through my brain [akin to Aunty (Pause), Aunty (Pause), Aunty from an Indian hair dye Ad)]. My small brain and relatively old brain (generation X--) pondered and travelled all the distances to infinity to find the deep secret behind this ‘mah’.

She was actually from Maharashtra. So, at first, I thought the love for the state influences her a lot. And hence that perpetual feeling brought in the existence of ‘mah’.

Then the second milestone came. I held myself. Voilà!! I thought I solved the mystery. Good God! It’s the battery backup. mAh Milliamp Hour , the capacity of a battery to hold power.Mine is a 950mAh battery. A really good one!! Great backup!! But in her context, sounds rather stupid and absurd. Probably everyone has a Nokia these days. Why the hell I am failing.

There may be other trivial and redundant angles. Like boy friend’s name = ‘Mah’esh. My research and analysis out of this overwhelming curiosity made me discover Oxford Advanced Learner’s dictionary has just four words starting ‘Mah’.

Why do we complicate things when the solutions are pretty simple? All you need is a little common sense. Well simple ‘mah’ is just another word for ‘Maa’ meaning mother in Hindi.

Latest song “Maa” by Prasoon Joshi in the movie Taare Zameen Par is so touching that it wets your eyes. The love for mother is so true and so obvious. Beautiful girl, beautiful thought.

Days passed. One day I meet this Gen X++ guy who happened to be my junior; He invited me to join his network on Facebook. By now you must have guessed what happens next.The whole idea is that world has changed and so is India.

‘Mah’ actually means my. Sometimes ‘Ma’ can also be used synonymously. It is not to be confused with mother.

‘Z’ can be used and is extensively used for ‘is’.

‘Da’ = ‘the’.

‘Dose’= ‘those’ [;)]

‘Skul’= ‘School’ [not to be confused with skull].

‘Daz’= ‘days’.

‘Gal’,’gurl’’,grl’,’gul’,’grl’= ‘girl’

So on and on…..

So my friends you see English usage is so flexible these days. I am not trying to be sarcastic as long as things are accepted well in our moderate country. Neither I am trying to dig deep and know if it is the sms’es or hetero-culture inheritance that brought in this revolution.

Now to end I have a puzzle for you. Read the above paragraphs carefully and answer:

1. What is ‘malai’?
2. What is ‘fcook’?

If you could answer you definitely belong to the Gen X++ hip crowd.

For the ones who could not answer.

‘Malai’ means my life. [’mah’+ ‘life’]

‘Fcook’ mean fuck. [Fuck=fcuk= fcook].

Am I too ‘fcooked’, to write all this and waste my time and yours. One thing that is sure is we are either ‘culprits of our own design’ or we are liberated. We have no bounds now.

Mera Bhaarat ‘Mah’an.